Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Beer System of Measurement

I was giving directions to one of my countrywomen the other day and did the inevitable "stub my toe" while quoting her distances in kilometers instead of miles. You see, the only people in the world who can't comprehend what a kilometer is live in the United States.¹

I always hit a dead end when giving directions to gringos, so I've switched to a new system that just about anyone who isn't a Mormon, Jehovah's witness, devout Muslim or Baptist (Islam's "sister religion") or just plain teetotaler (a.k.a. boring fucking dolt) can identify with.² It's the Beer Measurement System!

Like beer, it's quite simple. For example: I live in Playa Hermosa. Next beach down is Playas del Coco. That's a beer away! Next beach up is Playa Panama. That's a half-a-beer away (it's a little closer, chug the rest when you get there)! Get it? Woo hoo!!

You gotta go through Coco to get to Playa Ocotal. And then there's San Martín pueblo in between the two with all it's oblivious pedestrians, bike riders and just plain idiots who can't even fucking park on that narrow, curvaceous road, let alone drive on it. That makes Ocotal two beers and a plethora of expletives away.³

From Playa Hermosa to Liberia centro, we're talking 3 beers away. Can be 4 if you're like me and don't like driving with A/C in 90 degree heat (I LOVE THE HEAT! Chugalug!). Daniel O. Oduber Int'l Airport in Liberia (LIR) is a solid deuce away. But it's 3 beers coming back. It's some sort of inexplicable "Bermuda Triangle" thing, and I've learned to just accept it.

Sardinal is a beer away, unless you're stopping for gas. Then it's two.

Tamarindo is a six-pack away. It may take an hour. It may take more. It may take less. But it's always a six-pack away. Nicoya? Same. Santa Cruz? That's where you stop to pick up more beer on your way to Nicoya. Add one extra beer and some chicharritos.

Peñas Blancas - the CR-Nicaragüa border, a.k.a. "La Frontera" - is a six-pack away if you don't stop to pee. If you stop to pee, add a beer or two and enjoy the altitude and pleasant and refreshing temperature drop.

A trip to San Jose - the mother of all trips - used to be from 8 to 24 beers away, depending on truck traffic, accidents and earthquakes. But now it's about 6 or 7 beers away, thanks to the new Ruta del Sol highway from Puerto Caldera. That is UNLESS... there's a rock slide or the Platina bridge is out. Add one beer for every boulder on the highway measuring over one meter in diameter. Drink all you got if the Platina Bridge is out.

So next time you ask me for directions, I will happily oblige you with my own Beer System of Measurement. The best part of the system is that it's empirical. For you idiots reading this who don't know what that word means, the word empirical denotes information gained by means of observation or experiments. That means you can make up your own measurements based on your road trips and always be accurate. How freakin' great is that?

¡Pura birra! Buckle up and drive safely!

¹Ironic: The Imperial Measurement System, an archaic hangover induced by "Imperialist" England - the country against which the U.S. fought, and narrowly defeated to gain it's independence - may outlast the U.S. Dollar. What's the irony? The irony is that the only country on the face of the planet that still clings to the Imperial Measurement System is the United States. Even the Emerald Isle has forsaken its wickedness!

²Notice Irish Catholics, Italians, recovering alcoholics and their "still in the gutter brethren" are NOT included here.

³Try to get to the fucking airport on a Friday night from Ocotal during high-season! 6-pack (and some Valium)!

1 comment:

  1. You clearly have too much time on your hands. Very clever (and accurate).